A White Adoptive Parent Asks: How Do We Help Our Multi-racial Children Survive and Thrive?
Reprinted with permission from the NJ Adoption Resource Clearing House (NJ ARCH- www.njarch.org), a program of Children’s Aid and Family Services.
Question: We adopted two children who are multi-racial. Do you have some specific recommendations on how we can help them survive and thrive in the racial climate of today’s world?
Answer: Helping children of color survive and thrive today begins with having our eyes wide open to the racial profiling, microaggressions, acts of violence and objectification that many are subjected to. Using “survive” signals you are not naïve to the physical, emotional, and psychological risks that people of color face daily and that is where we must begin.
As a white parent to children of color, it is critical that you see the harsh and often painful reality that your multi-racial children will indeed be treated differently simply because of the color of their skin. Without that recognition, it will be so difficult to be active in protecting and preparing your children for what they will surely face in the world. Here are some ideas you may want to consider:
- Constantly dig deeper to understand your racial identity, process your own feelings about how people of color are treated and be sure you are taking care of yourself so you can be strong, present, and active in protecting the children you are parenting.
- Talk openly, honestly, and often about racial dynamics and incidents that occur related to differences of race, class, and culture. This includes having “the talk” – a very necessary and practical conversation all parents and grown-ups need to have with children and young people of color about what to do to stay as safe as possible when you are pulled over, profiled, stopped in a store, etc. Headlines will provide all of the fodder you need to be proactive in these discussions. Approach these conversations with confidence and process your emotions first. Have these conversations with your children, as well as with family, friends, colleagues, etc.
- Build authentic relationships with people of color and continually expand your family. While it is not the person of color’s job to be consulting on all things race related, being in true friendships will give everyone the ability to connect and share perspectives. Having a diverse community is healthy for everyone and ultimately shows your children that you are committed to embracing people that look like them and share their experiences. This diverse community can and should, whenever possible, include members of the children’s family of origin.
- Become a fierce advocate for your child within the systems namely schools. This begins with asking questions and being in close touch with educators and faculty members. Ask about everything from lesson plans to data on suspension rates to understand so you have as much of an understanding as possible how the school operates and hold professionals accountable for the physical, emotional, and psychological safety of children and young people of color.
- Be more culturally expansive and open. Getting out of your comfort zone does not always mean tackling the toughest stuff. Show interest in music, art, cuisine, and religion so the multi-racial children you are parenting will have the freedom to experiment and explore elements of their cultures of origin along with you. Also, knowing where you stand on culturally relevant movements (like Black Lives Matter and trans-racially adopted person Colin Kaepernick’s “Know Your Rights” campaign) is important as well as celebrating individuals that are standing up for racial justice.
Being a white parent to children of color today means you will have to double-down on being uncomfortable as well as being fully committed to preparing them for survival in a world that gets more complex by the minute. As you continually up your game you are not only creating layers of protection for your children’s survival you are also building a solid foundation, which undoubtedly will help them to thrive!