“Give Us a Key” Insights from a Former Foster Youth
This article originally appeared in “Fostering Families Today” click here to subscribe
If there is one thing I know for sure, changes in the foster care system to better support children and families require parents and professionals to constantly listen to those closest to the experience. Gaining insights from those directly impacted by foster care, current and former foster youth, should be at the top of the list.
National Foster Care Month is a particularly poignant time for all of us to lend our ears to the young adults who need all of us to elevate, stretch and double-down on our commitment to meeting their needs.
To gain valuable and first-hand perspective on what all foster parents should know as they begin the journey, I spoke to Shavonn Smith, a former foster youth and professional supporting families. I first met Shavonn in Wholefoods. She was my cashier and we struck up a conversation. At one point we both smiled, revealing a gap we both had in our front teeth. She asked me if I knew where I got mine from and I told her I did not know as I was adopted and had little to no contact with my family of origin.
What we would soon learn is that Shavonn and I shared more than the physical characteristic of a gap-toothed smile, we also shared a connection to foster care and family separation. After having spent time in several foster homes, Shavonn aged-out. In that moment, I wished I had a cart full of items so we could continue our conversation. When the transaction was finished, we shared contact information and the transformational connection began.
While the two of us had different experiences, mine being several months in care and hers many years, our deep commitment to inspiring change within the system that was charged with our care was very much the same. Since the day we met in 2014, I have had the pleasure of watching Shavonn graduate college, participate in several advocacy programs, and enter the professional workforce all while steadfastly managing extreme life circumstances.
Shavonn is a triumph and fiercely dedicated to making change within the foster care system and more broadly throughout the world. I asked Shavonn to share what she thinks individuals need to know as they endeavor to support and love a child or a young person as a foster parent.
Give us a key
Shavonn reinforced something that has been on my mind ever since the first time I accompanied a foster youth from my Adoptment program home and realized they did not have their own key to the place they were living. I remember how uncomfortable we both felt waiting for someone to let the them in. I tried to convince myself that it was New York and when folks are home, it is easy to get buzzed right in but it just did not sit right. What kind of message does it send to a young person when they are not entrusted with a key to the place they live? At the very least it is inconvenient and at the worst it is belittling and confusing to not have a key to the place you call home.
Shavonn’s tip:
“Think of the key you give to the foster youth you are caring for as not only the transactional key that unlocks the door to their home but also the transformational key that unlocks a sense of safety, trust and belonging.”
We are family?
I was reminded by Shavonn of the delicate balance of family dynamics especially related to children in the home who are born to the foster parent and the foster youth who is not. One basic element we all need to remember is that, on a good day family relationships can be strained and challenged. When more complicated circumstances are present, it is imperative that foster parents are clued into how they are balancing the care, direction and love given to all children present in the home as well as how all of the children may be impacted by a family’s new reality. Professionals helping to guide and prepare foster parents play a vital role in encouraging foster parents to be thoughtful and in tune with these dynamics and not to think that things will just sort themselves out.
Shavonn’s tip:
“As hard as it might be, foster parents need to be very reflective, asking themselves the tough questions about how they will ensure that all of the children they are parenting feel loved and cared for in an equitable manner. Things can get out of whack quickly if children who are connected to the parent biologically are clearly being treated better or different than a child or young person who enters the family from foster care.”
Matters of Culture
Sometimes, in the urgency of foster care where the focus can be about basics, not enough attention is paid to things that might be seen as less urgent. Shavonn recalled having a friend in high school who was fostered by a family with a very different culture than anything she ever knew. Everything from meals, to traditions, to religion felt different and foreign to her friend. Her friend struggled with being seen, fitting in, and deeply missing her birth family culture. Knowing that no two families are exactly the same and most families truly have their own culture, it is critically important that foster parents and professionals have proactive, transformational and often difficult conversations about the impact of differences of race and culture.
Shavonn’s tip:
“You can’t erase a child or young person’s DNA or culture and replace what was there with what feels better or comfortable for you. Foster parent’s first need to recognize that these differences matter and how they are navigated can make all the difference in service to the emotional, phycological and physical safety of children and young people.”
Physical Distancing: Been there, Done that
For so many foster youths including Shavonn, extreme, unimaginable life circumstances are a regular way of life. The concept of not having access to loved ones is quite familiar to those experiencing foster care and adoption. The coronavirus pandemic has given the rest of the world a difficult lesson in what it feels like to know family is there and yet not have full access to them. When our well-being requires us to be isolated and/or to keep physically distant from those we love, it can be devastating. This is true whether professionals make the call or you come to such a conclusion on your own, this kind of disconnect is often life-altering.
Shavonn’s tip:
“Coronavirus has taught so many folks what so many foster youth and their extended families already know … being separated from family can be painful and difficult. Foster parents need to always remember how it felt to be isolated and separated from family during this global pandemic and find empathy and understanding for the young people they are caring for.”
Every day Shavonn and so many other young people I know are an inspiration - reminding me in some way how vital empathy, respect and love truly are. For young people experiencing foster care, this is especially true. Gone are the days when we can transact and process our way through. Transformation is what is needed in the form of foster parents and professionals who are willing to double-down on the big work that is needed in support of young people’s healthy identity development and physical, emotional and psychological safety.
Shavonn Smith is a fierce advocate for children and families, a graduate from John Jay College, and a former foster youth. Shavonn spent eighteen years in the New York City foster care system before aging-out. Shavonn’s advocacy work is focused on engaging foster youth and changing the system. She is a founding member of Fostering Advocacy, Change, and Empowerment or FACE, a safe platform for organizers, advocates, and change-makers in foster care to be heard, to advocate, and to STAY empowered. Shavonn also is mentor/volunteer and workshop specialist with Culture for One, an organization that uses the arts as a vehicle to connect with children and teens.