I was in foster care for approximately 512 days. I’ve been adopted for approximately 17,155 days and I can tell you for certain that the day an adoption is finalized can be both a celebration and also packed with complexity. Not just because of the many steps that need to take place in order for an adoption to happen; these are just transactions. It is in the actual day to day lived experiences of adoption where the both/and are truly felt. Yet too often it is the transactional moments, usually with images of minor children, that capture society's attention.

This is especially common when parents and professionals celebrate the adoption day, which is when an adoption becomes ‘official’ through the courts. Most parents can’t wait to spread this good news among family, friends and even the wider world. With ample social media platforms to choose from, there is plenty of online space to share this joy and garner likes and comments that reflect the same joy.

For me though, these posts, especially the ones that show minor children holding signs with the number of days they spent in foster care before being adopted, often make me wonder who these posts actually serve? Are these signs evidence of grown-ups protecting children or exploiting them because it makes them feel good? As hard as it is for many to see beyond these cute and heartwarming photos, it’s absolutely time to rethink what is being shared when it comes to these foster care/adoption posts.

These images never sit right with me and I was reminded of just how complicated the layers are once again when I saw a recent post on LinkedIn from an account called EveryDay Heroes. The post is dated 7.11.21 and shows a split screen with two images of the same young boy. In the first image he is holding a sign that reads “I was in foster care 924 days...” and then next shows him with a different sign saying “but today I was adopted...”. He’s adorable, he’s missing his front teeth, and his grin is as wide as the sky. You can imagine the likes, celebrations, and ‘AWWWW” reactions this post generated- 178,100 reactions and 4,383 comments (as of 7.18.21) to be exact. On the surface, this is to be celebrated for the child and for the adoptive family and we can all understand the happiness of a family in this moment and that it feels good to share their delight.

Yet, to me, seeing this child posing with a sign online that exposes their foster care and new adoption status to anyone with a Facebook page, twitter handle, LinkedIn profile etc. feels not so good. It feels this way because I have actually spent time in foster care and have the experience of being an adopted person.

In and amongst the comments from folks giddy and gushing for this “lil man” I shared a different perspective...

“While the day that an adoption is finalized is an important day it is also filled with complexity. Images like this of minor children make many adults feel warm and happy but for me, as an adopted person, they make me feel fiercely protective. Children that have already had unimaginable trauma should not be made to hold signs such as these. At such an age children are not equipped to understand the implications of being exposed in this way online.”

There were several replies to my comment, some in support of my take and many that were not. The back and forth made it clear that a longer response was needed to offer a bit more context. Seeing this picture and I couldn’t help but cringe at how such a personal, private experience has been so publicly represented, in such an exploitive way. Being adopted can feel great, particularly when it brings stability to a child who may have spent years lacking a permanent family arrangement. But there are myriad other feelings as well and surely many questions that can run through the minds of young people who have experienced the trauma of family separation, abuse, and neglect.

What has happened to my birth family? Where are they? Why did I spend so long in foster care? Did no one want me? Will I ever see the families I’ve lived with before being adopted again? Will I ever see my family of origin again? Is this really permanent?

I’ve been adopted for approximately 17,155 days. These are questions that I still ponder.

We ignore this reality when we ask a child too young to understand what they are putting out there to hold up a sign telling the world of their deeply private experience. Asking young children to hold such signs reflects the transactional side of adoption that feels like the closing of a business deal. And it reflects a rescue mentality in adoption that we know does not serve anyone well. Parenting, and family relationships, are hard work. The need to save a child from the foster care experience and/or their family of origin should not be a reason to enter into this space.

The good news is there are lots of ways to make an adoption announcement that parents can feel good about and that don’t force a child to expose personal realities of their own history. Post a photo with the judge or pictures celebrating with loved ones after the court hearing is done. Caption it with something like “So happy and blessed to have become parents through adoption”! Focus on you, the adults, and how exciting it is to grow or expand your family in such a way. After all it is adult actions and decisions that lead a child to experience things like foster care and adoption. Children very often do not have a say in this. At the very least, we must always respect their privacy and right to share (or not share) their own experiences in a way that feels comfortable and at an age that they can make an informed decision about what to reveal.

And what about the families of origin attached to this child? How might they feel as they see the child they are not parenting go viral.

One thing that is certain about adoption and foster care, they both capture a wide spectrum of thoughts and feelings for all who are closest to the experiences. It is both joy and pain, gain and loss, tears of happiness and tears of sadness, contentment and worry, safety and fear, anger and forgiveness.

Adoption and foster care often sit squarely at the intersection of Both/And in deep and profound ways. We can both work to keep families together and highlight the need for more foster and adoptive families. We can both celebrate the legal finalization of an adoption and protect a child from having too much of their experiences out in the world.

I’ve been adopted for approximately 17,155 days and the truth is I’m still learning and growing in my adoption experience. What I do know is this, if more folks were inspired to understand the complicated parts of adoption and foster care and be open to the possibilities of everything it has to teach us, our families and the world we live in, that would indeed be something to celebrate. Adult adoptees and former foster youth (not minor children) sharing the truth of their own experiences, that is what I hope to see go viral.

Follow me on Instagram for more on adoption, identity and family…@juneinapril

At the Intersection of LinkedIn, Foster Care, and Adoption: Here’s Your Sign