How to Love a Transracially Adopted Person: Part 6 - Transformational Love Means Listening
For a very long time understanding who I was in relationship to adoption and Blackness was confusing and emotional. Even with the love of my family of experience (my adoptive family), there was a lack of conversation and soft places to process the grief and sadness of what I saw as an abandonment by my family of origin and what I felt was a removal of my culture and racial heritage. Only in my adult life, after finding community with others that shared my experiences, finding an adoption competent therapist, moving to Harlem, and doing some deep healing work, could I find the words to match these intersecting and very complex emotions. Once I found my words, I needed people to listen.
In this series of essays dedicated to How to Love a Transracially Adopted Person, a central theme has been love and loss. For me, understanding that even when we are enfolded into loving adoptive families, there are deep losses that have been one of the most important elements to deconstruct and it’s a topic that I think needs to be surfaced over and over again. What I have learned over time from my experiences and from the countless experiences of all members of the extended family of adoption I have the honor of knowing is that it’s simply not enough for adopted kids to hear the simple words “She (of they) loved you so much they wanted a better life for you…”.
There must be more to the story that an adopted person is told related to one of the most life-altering experiences a human being can have. Hearing that explanation for something so complex and having the conversation stop there never quite satisfied me then and now, as I work with adopted youth and their families, any time this same simple narrative is offered to them, so often, it still does not satisfy. They want to know why. They want and need details. They need reconnection to the people and the cultures they lost. They need to be listened to.
During this month’s podcast (Sn7 Ep1) I asked Bret Matthews, the husband of transracially adopted person, Hannah Jackson Matthews, what he thought were the most important elements in truly loving Hannah. What Bret shared was so simple and so on point…
“To love Hannah, I’ve learned, I need to just listen sometimes…and to be present” – Bret Matthews on how to love a transracially adopted person (his wife Hannah).
This resonated with me so deeply. The simple yet transformational act of listening, of being present, and validating a transracially adopted person’s emotions and experiences is pure gold and can be a gateway to healing and living authentically.
The losses in adoption are fundamental and not only adopted persons share in those losses. Families of origin lose the connections to their children and the ability to be there day in and day out. This is true even when relinquishment may be voluntary. And adoptive parents lose the genetic connection to the children they are entrusted with.
The many layers of transracial adoption are slowly being peeled back, there are more resources for parents and professionals and attention being paid to the experiences and the voices of transracially adopted persons. There are more narratives in the public domain that help society at large better understand the realities of adoption as it intersects with differences of race. And with all that, there is still a very long way to go if we are going to activate the loving act of helping those of us separated from our origins and cultures to process those losses and build a healthy identity.
At the core of the most loving path forward is listening and being present. To illustrate this, I think of the quote from Massechestts Congresswoman Ayanna Pressley "The people closest to the pain, should be the closest to the power…” With that in mind, if you want to truly love a transracially adopted person, get quiet, get comfortable, listen, and learn. Doing this in earnest, you’ll be returning some of the power lost to that person.
I am so blessed to feel all kinds of love from the many people that anchor me in my life but the most moving and satisfying acts of love are connected to being heard. When the people I need the most listen to and validate my truth about adoption and differences of race, something shifts, and a little bit more of my heart is healed.
————————————————————————————————————————————————
Listen to the full February 2022 episode with Hannah and Bret on Apple Podcasts.
Check out the other parts of the “How to Love A Transracially Adopted Person Series” exclusively on juneinapril.com
Part One: https://aprildinwoodie.com/blog/2017/7/26/a-test-post-1-PYURW
Part Two: https://aprildinwoodie.com/blog/2018/2/28/how-to-love-a-transracially-adopted-person-part-2
Part Three: https://aprildinwoodie.com/blog/2019/2/14/how-to-love-a-transracially-adopted-person-part-3
Part Four: https://aprildinwoodie.com/blog/2020/2/13/how-to-love-a-transracially-adopted-person-4-a-love-letter
Part Five: https://aprildinwoodie.com/blog/2021/2/14/4xp4tummoeuac3l4m3it97vx794qgi